I've literally done nothing all day. I feel like such a bum. Michael (Matt's brother) came in on Friday, and we spent Saturday on the beach... Which by the way, was amazing. We saw a family of dolphins, to include a baby dolphin, swimming around for a few hours. And I was able to stay out more than thirty minutes and not end up looking like a lobster. Success! I'm even starting to look a bit tan. But today.... today was a lazy day. I sat around and finished reading The Time Travelers Wife and downloaded and read the first few pages of The Last Song before deciding I had enough reading for the day.
I'm considering taking another HPT sometime in the next week or so. I know my first period after the surgery was supposed to be weird, but I just want to make sure. I took one a few days ago in the midst of all the weirdness and it gave me a big fat negative... We'll see. I haven't made up my mind yet.
I'm still not happy about the great possibility of not being pregnant before Matt leaves. I have a devout feeling of emptiness that I just can't shake. I'm trying to tell myself that this is just what happens, and that eventually, it will get better. We have another change. But I guess in the back of my mind, even though I know he's going to a relatively 'safe' zone overseas, I still have that fear of "What if something happens?" Somehow I can't shake that one either. I am confident he will be safe, but the 'what ifs' kill me. I want so badly to be a mother, and when I see girls, not women, who never wanted to have a child, and don't appreciate the child they do have... I want to scream. I want to lash out, cry, take their precious angel and run. I try my best to not think about how unfair it seems.
I found out yesterday that a friend of ours and her husband just discovered that they are having a little girl. I think it really got to me as she was a week behind me and we had been talking about how are appointments to find out the sex (since we could set ultrasound appointments way ahead) were only a week apart. All I could think was "What would we have had? Was our little one a sweet little girl or a handsome little boy? Would I have looked as good as her at 18 weeks?" It physically hurts to think about my little one. To miss him/her like I do. I want to try again, to be where she is, but at the same time I'm terrified.
0 Comments to "A day in the life of a couch potato..."