Waiting on a Military Miracle

I wish there was a test to tell you that you're pregnant the very second it happens. Like a little alarm going off saying "Hey... just so you know... you're knocked up." Of course that's never going to happen, but gawd I wish it did. I'm so very tired of the back and forth. I have tests that tell me I am, some that look more like a "well you might be, but we hate you so we won't give you a real line", and others that say I'm not. I may need to call the doctor and find out if I can get a blood test.

I don't think this would be bothering me as much if Matt was still here. Or if Ashley hadn't announced today that she found out she is pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled for her. But I wish it was me. I wish I had the hope that with a positive test that in nine months that I would have a baby in my arms. I'm more scared at this point that I won't get pregnant again than the pregnancy won't last. And that sounds terrible.

This is a terrible post.