Despite my best friend being here, it seems this month is getting exponentially harder. I want so bad to be happy... and for random moments in time, I am, for one reason or another. But then when I get a moment to sit and actually collect my thoughts, I get so sad and frightened by my own emotions that I can't even move. I'm paralyzed by them, and that scares me even more.
I feel like with everything has been going on this weekend... all thing "surprises" that have been discovered and the fun that Bee and I are having, that I should stay happy... stay positive... but I just can't manage to. I think that a large portion is that the only thing at this point that comforts me is hearing from my husband, and because I can't do that, everything seems to just build up. I just want to stop hurting... to stop being upset and miserable. I want to be happy and to be able to truthfully tell Matthew that I'm okay when he calls... that nothing is bothering me and that everything in the world is fine despite him not being home (which no matter what, will always bother me.)
I need to do so many things tomorrow and just don't feel like doing any of them. I hate responsibility. Bee leaves on Tuesday and I'll be back to being alone and that, honestly, worries me. But I suppose I have no choice but to make it work and get everything taken care of so I can go to Tennessee and such.
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